Leaked: 5 key talking points from Trump / Kim summit

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The agenda of the impending extraordinary meeting between US President Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has been leaked, the Conch News can reveal.

The prospect of an incendiary summit between the two firebrand leaders has terrified and excited the world in equal measure. In this exclusive, Conch News’ s political editor assesses the key talking points of a meeting that has the potential to go nuclear.

 Round of name-calling

Convention dictates such occasions are carefully choreographed affairs with a procession of civilities between the leaders and their coteries. However, in  typical Trump fashion, the US President is turning ceremony on its head by challenging the North Korean Supreme Leader to an introductory round of name calling.

Trump’s famously infantile temperament and his one undeniable skill at conjuring schoolyard nicknames gives him a clear advantage. The world waits to see if Little Rocket Man up the ante on ‘Dotard’?

 Comparing each other’s missiles

Kim’s shock announcement that he would embark on denuclearisation programme prompted the meeting between the the two leaders. But many commentators believe this is a smokescreen. Experts fear tensions at the meeting could quickly escalate, and any perceived slight could have catastrophic consequence.

The arsenals of both leaders will be firmly on the agenda. Donald Trump will argue his big missile is larger, but Kim is likely to counter that this is only because the US President’s hands are so famously small.

 Silencing fake news

President Trump has the backing of US State media Fox News, but he still faces a torrent of criticism from independent news sources that he has famously labelled ‘fake news’. Meanwhile, North Korea’ Kim maintains an iron grip on news outlets with only reports praising the Supreme Leader tolerated.

It is expected Trump will ask for counsel on how to strong-arm the media into writing endless fawning puff pieces about his profound intellect, much-admired infidelity, valour in war, and, of course, those large manly hands.

 Mutual stroking

Both leaders will have a platform to feel each other’s famous hair. Previously access to both leaders’ hairdos has proved elusive, despite huge media attention around the leaders’ respective cranial shingling.

While Trump initially demurred, frantic behind the scenes negotiations finally brokered a deal whereby both leaders will mutually stroke each other’s distinctive coiffoured locks for five minutes.

 Art of Seduction

The leaders love of the fairer sex is well known. While Trump is likely to discuss his patented ‘grab them by the pussy’ tactic, Kim might still school Trump in the art of seduction. Kim is known for his old school approach which consists of threatening prospective female partners with a lifetime hard labour in brutal North Korea gulag if they don’t comply worth his romantic overtures

Both men are also likely to discuss how to keep spouses from defecting or swallowing a bottle of paracetamol following years of exposure to unhinged behaviour and bottomless narcissism.

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