Jesus: I’m not coming back!
There will be no Second Coming, the Conch News can reveal. In a rare communication from the Kingdom in the Sky, the Son of God announced he will not be not returning to Earth, as our souls are now ‘beyond salvation’.
For those pinning their hopes of divine intervention, Jesus had these dispiriting words for his flock:
“Climate change and ISIS are bad enough, but after the election of Donald Trump and the Brexit vote, I said to myself: ‘that’s it: they’re f*cked’.”
According to Christian believers his return would save mankind from total oblivion and usher in a Kingdom of God on earth, but Jesus distanced himself from pledges made in the New Testament:
“Was it not enough that I was bloody pinned to a cross and died? Mankind needs get over a silly promise I made in a book written over 2000 years ago.”