Jacob Rees Mogg vows to return prima nocta in manifesto pledge

Jacob Rees Mogg, Tory MP and favourite to succeed Teresa May has issued a manifesto for post-Brexit Britain. The reactionary social conservative issued his vision, dubbed by party members as ‘the Mogg-festo’, yesterday at the Carlton Club.

The manifesto centres around six key policy areas and has the backing of hard-line Brexiteers within the Conservative party. Conch News political correspondent reveals the key takeaways.

Home affairs: Return of Prima Nocta

According to the manifesto, upper class men and Lords will be returned the right to take the virginity of peasant or working class women on their wedding night. While, some social commentators have criticised the policy as regressive, Mogg believes it will help restore order to British society.

Speaking at the Carlton event Mogg said, How this privilege has been stolen away from the upper class is a great injustice and an instructive example of a politically correct state gone mad. Bringing back prima nocta will not only reinstate a Lord’s divine right but also help breed out the lower classes.”

Global trade: Revive the East India Company

After rejecting ‘our oppressive EU communist overlords’ Mogg believes it is time to revive the East India Company and rediscover the glory of the empire through new global trade deals.

“Backed by an imperial army, a reformed East India Company can force former colonies and members of Commonwealth to handover precious spices, chintz, silks and porcelain for global trade,” said Mogg.

Immigration: EU migrants transported to plantations

Once links to the Caribbean have been secured, Mogg believes it would then make ‘absolute sense’ to transport all unwanted EU citizens to plantations across the islands for the growing of sugar cane, cotton and tobacco.

Housing: Killing with kindness

Mogg has also a radical new vision for housing. While not all details have been revealed, the manifesto states ‘all new council estates will forthwith consist of 10-60 families living in cast-iron huts on the hard shoulder of the A40’. Windows are to be banned “lest upper class children get an inopportune aperture into the hellish condition of the underclass,” said Mogg.

Defence: Solving Irish question

Solving the hard border issue in Ireland is central to Mogg’s plan as ‘it stands in the way of Britain’s glorious Brexit vision.’

“By defence, I, of course, mean attack. The Irish Republic is a ghastly little country that has been a perennial thorn in the side of the empire. We must invade post haste. I would suggest we invoke Cromwell and slaughter every Irish man, woman and child once the British fleet docks in Dublin bay.