Gareth Southgate to lead Brexit negotiations after World Cup

England football manager Gareth Southgate is set to lead Britain in the ongoing Brexit negotiations with the EU following the World Cup, the Conch News can reveal.  Southgate, who has shown he has the Midas touch by securing England an unlikely World Cup semi-final spot, will be entrusted with navigating Britain through a series of complex negotiations with Brussels. The appointment follows the resignation of key Brexit figures in Theresa May’s government, including David Davis and Boris Johnson.

While Mr Southgate has no background in political or diplomatic negotiations, Westminster insiders believe he will be an improvement on the previous leading negotiators’ ‘cack-handed, castastrofuck approach’.

Sartorial success 

“The good news for Gareth is that he will be starting from a very low bar. But then again, a fart in a jar would have also been an improvement,” said an anonymous course.

Southgate has already demonstrated he can heal a deeply divided nation but Theresa May also hopes that Southgate’s sartorial elegance can strengthen Britain hands against its European counterparts. Number 10  is rumoured to believe Brussels will have no answer to a svelte, waist-coated Southgate strong-arming its technocrats over new global trade deals.